Are
there people at work or at home or your life in general who are making you look
older just because they’re difficult? Difficult people will give you so much
stress that not even the best makeup can hide it. This is a problem that you can
instantly solve by breaking up with these people (like quitting a job so you
don’t have to deal with a bad boss anymore or breaking up with selfish and self-centered friends who think everything
is about them).
But
as experience tells us, instant solutions
are not always available and
possible. More importantly, they’re not always the best. I made a list of simplest
and kindest strategies to deal with difficult people that I myself have tried and
learned from wise elders and angels whom I see as life teachers. The keyword here is kind. Beautiful people never resort to violence and inflicting pain
upon others!
Who are These Difficult People?
Difficult
people are literally people who make your life difficult. These can be the people in your life who are forever complaining about anything and everything under the sun, those who demand more from
you than what you can give and they actually give, the narcissists who think
everything should be for them and about them. These can be also be the
people who talk behind your back, say nasty things about you, or probably do
sneaky things to make you appear less stellar than you really are.
But 50% of the reason
they’re difficult is because of you.
Yep,
you heard that right. You can blame yourself for the way you feel about them.
So
here’s the difficult person who does something that you don’t particularly
like.
No,
let me rephrase that.
Here’s
a person who does things that you hate.
Her
actions offend you, irk you, or bother you.
What
happens here is you let that person get to you. You let that person ruin your
minute, hour or day. You let that person stir emotions in you that produce
stress hormones in your body, which age you.
Yes,
stress ages you internally and externally. Stress
shows on your face in the form of dark circles, wrinkles, flaky skin, eye
bags, acne, and many others. You don't want stress-induced wrinkles to ruin your natural beauty.
Stress
not only ages you; it also kills you! The stress that a difficult person
can bring you ages you, inside and out.
You
see, 50% of the reason a person is “difficult” is her actions. The other 50% is
something you can control: your reactions.
(IMPORTANT
NOTE: Difficult or toxic people are different from poisonous people or the
people who verbally and physically abuse you. If you have these people in your
life, you need to run away from them as fast as you can.)
How to Deal With Difficult People
Here
are 5 strategies that you can use right away to make difficult people easier to
work with and live with.
1. See the person as different, not difficult.
A
big reason why the person is difficult is she’s a lot different from you. She
does things differently. That’s what she is, she prefers to do things differently
from you or from the rest of us.
You
can’t control what that person does, obviously. But you can control yourself.
You can reframe your thoughts and you can change your course of action.
Notice
that I didn’t say you can control your emotions. Because for most people, this
is a difficult thing to do. It is difficult to control our emotions, but it can
be done by first changing your thoughts.
What
thoughts do you have about the person? That she’s annoying, she’s bothersome, that
she’s been nothing to you but a rumor-mongering pain in the a**?
For
one, stop labelling the person. Stop JUDGING! All those negative descriptions are
enough to produce stress hormones in your body. Instead, see the person’s
actions and try to understand where she’s coming from. See the intention first,
before you obsess about her actions. What is she going through?
You
have an ultra-demanding boss? Maybe your boss’s boss is putting her under a lot
of pressure too. That co-worker or relative who makes up foul stories about
you? Maybe inside that person is someone who is so afraid to fail, someone who lacks
the confidence, or someone who just wants to be recognized more. That person
needs something from you or maybe from others that just doesn’t get addressed.
This is actually empathy
in practice. Practicing empathy and being connected to others can generally
make anyone a better person.
2.
Don’t take it too seriously.
Not
everything in life should be taken seriously, especially when we’re talking
about the actions of difficult people in your life whom you love deeply. What
if those difficult people are your aging parents who demand a lot from you or
who criticize you maybe 70% of the time you’re with them? Or what if it’s your
spouse who doesn’t get tired of nagging?
I
would bet that they’re not doing this to intentionally hurt you. They may have
the best intentions in their heart, so try not to take their actions too
personally or too seriously. Avoid being defensive.
Instead,
respond by listening to the person and letting her know that you understood her
by asking questions. Asking questions is a sign that you actually listened. Who
knows, maybe you’ll discover something about yourself that will also help you
grow as a person.
3. Value your time more.
Don’t
waste your time being angry or being overly concerned about the small stuff—and
that includes those difficult people who aren’t really important to you. You
can just shrug them off as long as their actions don’t directly impact what you
do.
Still
can’t get over what that difficult person in your life does to you? Try talking
to terminally ill patients. They’ll tell you how precious time and life is and
that you should spend it on the big stuff—the stuff that really matter to you
like your dreams, your family, or your true friends.
Even
better, try to see the good in every person. Having a dose of optimism is never
a waste of time. Randy Pausch, Carnegie Mellon professor and the bestselling
author of The Last Lecture
once said, "Find the best in everybody. Wait long enough, and people will
surprise and impress you. It might even take years, but people will show you
their good side. Just keep waiting." Randy died of cancer in 2008.
4. Talk to the person, but only when necessary.
If
that difficult person affects, let’s say your work or your goals, then you can calmly
talk to the person and ask what she needs. This strategy takes a lot of
courage, but sometimes you need to do this to prevent bigger problems that can
result from lack of understanding and cooperation.
But
again, focus on the actions. Are you sure this person is spreading rumors about
you? Unless you have evidence, it’s best to ignore it. Use reason and logic,
not your emotions. Also, avoid arguing or persuading the other person to do
anything. Always present hard facts that the person can’t argue with. No matter
how upset you are, treat and talk to the other person with respect. Be
diplomatic and avoid using the word “you” so it wouldn’t sound like you’re accusing
the person of a wrongdoing.
Here’s
an example of how to do this:
Anna
(the offended party): An email has been circulating about me (attach a copy of
the email as your evidence). The email says I’m always late on my tasks for our
project. I traced back the source and your name appears as the sender. I have
records of when I sent each completed task (attach the file again). Is there
anything that I have forgotten that may have warranted this email?
Jessica
(the difficult person): ---
HARD FACTS usually
silence the offending person.
5. Be thankful for difficult people.
Here’s a rather uncommon way to look at it. One of my beloved life teachers reminded me to be thankful for emotions that I feel, negative or positive. Because that means I’m alive.
The fact that we’re feeling something means we’re alive and every moment that we’re breathing is something to be grateful for. In other words, you can even be thankful for difficult people who stir these emotions in you because they remind you that you’re alive.
You’re Bound to Meet a Difficult Person
Chances
are, you already have these difficult people in your social circle or you’d meet some of them in
your lifetime. Just imagine, today we have 7.6 billion people in the world and
everyone was raised by unique sets of parents parents or individuals and
exposed to various cultural and social settings. And when we talk about
temperaments, we also need to factor in genetics. In other words, no two people
are alike so you are bound to meet someone who is so different from you that
they totally annoy you!
So remember, no amount of anti-aging creams can prevent lines caused by stress due
to emotions stirred in you by difficult people, so learn to manage the thoughts
that run through your mind and the words that you speak because these two
reflect your true inner glow—something that doesn’t fade with age!
Read these books if you want to learn more about dealing with difficult people:
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck is not really about dealing with difficult people. But most of the time, you can do something about it by learning to control what goes on inside you. This book will help equip you with the inner tools to better handle the difficult people in your life.
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